Old Patient Uncle Voldie
by candourly-unspoken
Summary: Not such obvious questions, are they? Three things you always wanted ask Uncle Voldie about. This is how you end up asking them and this is how he ends up answering them Enjoy! one-shot


_Disclaimer: We do not own Harry Potter, the characters or anything related to it; however we very much wanted to have an uncle like Lord Voldemort. Unfortunately, we only own our imagination._

_A/N: This is an effect of one and a half month of almost no writing and definitely too much chocolate. We're begging for your forgiveness ;) and also sorry for bad English for it's not our mother language…_

Old Patient Uncle Voldie the play

London; Lord Voldemort, commonly known as Old Uncle Voldie, walks along the street, people run away at the very sight of him; all of the sudden Voldie is hooked by a child who's eating the biggest lollypop Voldemort has ever seen in his relatively long life. Oh, well. Let's get it started finally!

A random unnamed five-year-old Muggle child: tugs Voldie's sleeve

Voldie: What do you want, kid?

Child: Why don't you have a nose?

Voldie shocked: I… Do you ask this question every person in the street?

Child: Most of them have noses. Why don't _you_ have one?

Voldie sarcastically: I had it amputated long time ago.

Child: What is this ampu-something?

Voldie sarcastically: It means I had it cut off.

Child: Like, really? But how? With a knife like the one Momma has in the kitchen?

Voldie sarcastically: Yes, you could say so.

Child: But how big? Like this? shows how small with his fingers Or this? shows how big with his fingers, again

Voldie sarcastically: Bigger.

Child: Ow! Do they even have such big knives?

Voldie tired: I believe so. Don't you really have anything more interesting to do than talking to a bald, noseless stranger in the middle of the street?

Child not paying attention: But why did they cut your nose? Did you do something bad?

Voldie sarcastically: No, I just wanted to have piercing.

Child: But I don't see any piercing in your nose…

Voldie sarcastically: That's because I _don't _have a nose. I had gangrene, probably too big word for you but whatever, and they cut it off. Now, will you let me pass?

Child: No. I still have hundreds of questions!

Voldie sarcastically: …

Child: Are you in a rock band?

Voldie: I'm… In a WHAT?!

Child: In a rock band. My brother says that every rock guy has a piercing.

Voldie annoyed: Do I look like a rock guy, whoever that is?

Child: I don't know. I have never seen one. Will you be my first rock guy friend?

Voldie annoyed: Sure, sure.

Child: Yay!

(a second later)

Voldie: Can I go now? I'm already late for my Death Eater Meeting Club…

Child: Death Eater? Do they really eat death? (after a while) How do you eat death?

Voldie sarcastically: Me personally prefer using a spoon.

Child: shrugs

Voldie: What?! Why are you looking at me like that? Do I have something on my nose?

Child: You don't have a nose…

Voldie sarcastically: Oh, right. _Crap_.

Child: Don't swear.

Voldie: I'm not swearing.

Child: Yes, you do!

Voldie: You say: 'yes, you are'.

Child resentful: I'm not. I don't even know any curses.

Voldie: evil laugh, I bet. Will you at last stop annoying me?

Child: pouts, eyes filling with tears

Voldie horror-struck: Don't you dare crying on me, you hear that?

Child: makes even bigger eyes

Voldie desperately: Do you want my wand? I can give you my wand. Just don't cry! pulls out his wand

Child happily takes the wand, tears already forgotten: Okay. walks away

Voldie: scratches his bald head: Did I just give my precious unbeatable wand to a random unnamed five-year-old Muggle child? (after a while) shrugs

This aforementioned random unnamed five-year-old Muggle child stops and reads an inscription on the wand "Don't use unless casting _Avada Kedavra_ curse"; turns around and points the wand at the only person in sight which means Old Uncle Voldie.

Child: Okay. Why not try it? _Avada Kedavra._

Voldie famous last words: Oh, _crap._

Moral from this tale is trivially simple, my little brothers: adults, don't be sarcastic towards random unnamed five-year-old Muggle children. And children, don't hook bald noseless strangers who happen to call themselves Old Uncle Voldie, more commonly known as Lord Voldemort. Simple enough? End of story. bows


End file.
